Fighting Negative Thoughts, Pushing Forward

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Conducting a function
It seemed so real. The crowd was cheering wildly.But wilder still was a voice within me,"It's your imagination.Don't you know who you are?"
Here and there somebody was whistling. Kerchiefs were being waved madly.The crowd rose as I entered - in one big wave like moment. I climbed up the steps to the dais and  like Armstrong's famous steps went to the podium. Putting on a brave front I let my voice resonate.
 This was real. I was the voice of these people. I had  won the College elections fair and square - broken all records by a landslide victory. I had fulfilled the expectations of my College mates and perhaps gone even beyond  them with a year's success story behind me. Then what? Why should I listen to these useless voices which belied my senses. Those cruel words - 'Nobody will ever want to talk to you once they know the real you.'
 Certainly  I had not put on any act. This was my time to fight it out and I would....

The elections -
I remembered the elections. It lifted me beyond my expectations. I, who could never open my mouth before others and usually nodded whenever anybody asked me questions... I was pushed to victory.

We were in the Zoology lab, busily trying to complete the practicals for the semester when somebody came and announced that only Literature students were standing for the two main posts-one for the Chairperson and another for the Secretary and if we were careless they might end up being elected unanimously. One girl grabbed a form and entered my name. I saw stars. How could I ever explain that day and night I lived with butterflies in my stomach? That each and every day I had to fight the fear of rejection...
When I could't even live like a normal human being, where would I land as a leader? What did these people expect from me? I only had English as an extra qualification but what good was it here? I was dumb as anything. Couldn't  they already see it?
"But I don't know anything about anything,"I protested.

 "That doesn't matter at all," my supporter  said. "We'll tell you everything we want. You just translate it into English while talking to those girls. They'll laugh at our broken English if we try to tell them anything. But they can't laugh at you. You are thinking only about yourself. Look at it this way. You can make or mar the rights of 4 groups of students- Maths, History,Zoology and Botany. If those two Literature girls are elected leaders, they'll discuss matters among themselves and we'll be completely left out."

 What she said was true. These other girls  didn't have the courage even to talk to the English Literature girls. (and those Lit girls weren't overly bothered about anybody else). At least I smiled at everybody and said Hi and Bye to one or two of them.
That's how I ended up opening my mouth before each class (after being pushed in by my classmates) saying, "I'm standing for the post of Secretary. If elected I'll do my best." Finally it wasn't just the 4 groups, the Lit girls themselves had voted for me.

Making it work-

While the chairperson suggested different ideas, I as the Secretary saw to it that everyone benefited from it. Together we made a great team. Planned and worked out many activities. We had made a mark in the history of our College.

Have I then flushed out fear and hesitancy from my  sub-conscious mind? Even today I sometimes think that I should have acted differently (after a situation is over). But my College made me aware -  that I as a human being with equal rights , feelings and capacities as any other should not be cut out from normal life just because some people got a sadist kick  from what they said to me.
I also wish to tell others not to be a doormat to others with a sadist mentality.    

                                

Love - a garland of sacrifice or a lubricant in daily life?

"Keep your hand here and say, Promise." a little boy said
. "Promise," said the girl as she placed her hand in his."We will be friends all our lives,no matter what happens," he said.
"We will be friends all our lives,no matter what happens," she repeated solemnly.They looked into each other's faces and after being convinced that the other really meant it, they continued their walk home, the contents of their school bags  rattling on their backs.They must have both been around 6-7 years old.
(I remembered Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher's promise and how Tom gave himself away by his own words and stifled a smile.)

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To some, friendship is an easy thing. Helpful and then forgotten.Others take it seriously. Like the ancient story of
Damon and Pythias.

Pythias was accused of plotting against the ruler and was sentenced to death. When he asked for permission to bid farewell to his family, the ruler imprisoned Damon in his place, as a security. The day of execution arrived and Pythias was still missing. So the ruler was thinking of executing Damon instead. Pythias arrived  just in time, panting and he begged Damon's forgiveness for all the tension he must have caused him,explaining how he got delayed.
"But I wasn't tensed at all,"Damon said.Anyway it has to be one of us and the other has to struggle all alone. So what difference does it make, who is executed and who is set free?"...
Watching this kind of argument, the ruler was so impressed by their friendship that he set them both free.

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   "I lay down my life that you might have abundant life,"Jesus said .That sacrifice gives the cross its crown.

Now and again we see people jumping in to receive bullets meant for others or jumping into flood waters to throw others out.

But  more than the feel of doing something drastically heroic, those living ordinary lives, showing love everyday-an encouraging word, showing somebody a new perspective, accepting people  as they are and letting them be themselves, tolerating a loved one's emotional outburst  and letting them calm down and face life with new strength - that gentle wisdom, patience and supportive, unconditional love is truly the greatest love of all..

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At this moment of thought, my conscience  pins down my soul. A well wisher of mine had almost ignored her own needs and comforts to accompany me to places I most certainly couldn't have visited on my own. Places I dreamed of visiting for years together but which  would have been inaccessible without the required amount of humility - her humility. Today she lies in hospital with cancer (2nd stage) and I  haven't so much as even visited her!( I mean after she started radiation therapy). Postponing a visit just to have rest made me miss showing her the gratefulness I owe her. She's got shifted to a far off hospital for treatment. I can now only pray that angels should give her the help  and comfort she needs -specially till I see her.  .

                                                                                          

A walk through the memories of my college days

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I reached out  to plug my ears when the record from the public Auto stand suddenly blared, 'ABC, ne vaasi' (an old Tamil song which means,You learn your ABC if you  want but just leave me alone) and I couldn't help smiling, Let the auto people  celebrate Ayutha Pooja (a festival of tools and machines) as they please, I thought. I'd forgive them.

My mind raced back to our college days.With 9 of us sharing a room in the hostel, different groups needed different study patterns. Meena of English Literature would often say," ABC ne vaasi" and escape to chat with others.No records for her to complete, no tests and sometimes no classes even. 9 of us with 9 different backgrounds, different natures.Yet I don't remember a single serious quarrel.We'd go to the college together, had almost all our adventures together. On holidays or in the evenings we'd go for walks in the settings just meant for walks - long winding roads where we could follow newly married couples and comment about them among ourselves (perhaps some of my friends got ideas about how to enjoy  their future from these
  experiences).                                                                                                         All free downloads.com



When we had more time we'd venture further off and then remember our time limit at the last minute. And then with an 'about turn' and a view of the nearest short-cut we'd run, skirts in hands, over ridges of radish and beet-root fields, leaping wherever required, till we reached the campus, squeeze through the fence if necessary and then,



with a cat like expression, we'd talk calmly to others.When the clock struck 6, we'd sometimes wonder whether it was really the clock or our heart beat because it sure sounded so loud. We'd wink among ourselves at our narrow escape and once within closed doors, laugh at the various observations  like ,'I'm  sure nobody was here till now. Where did you people suddenly appear from,'etc.




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  Now and then we'd take our books and announce to others that as the exams were nearing we were going to this and that spot to study. 'Study? They'd ask in surprise. How can you study at such a beautiful place?' "Why, where there is a will,there is a way,"we'd say calmly. And we sure did. For half an hour or an hour maybe. And then we'd call each other to play. After all life was for enjoying and if we missed this chance who knows when we'd get another? Moreover  if we had some play now our brains would work faster later. And then only some of us would go for higher studies, the others would get married after this degree and be loaded with tons of responsibilities, then what a waste of time it would be if they didn't enjoy life now,etc. So we didn't waste the 

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idyllic  settings either. After all it was really crowded near our houses, you know.

Suddenly my daughter says that she's hungry and I come out of my reverie.


I wonder if the poor girl will  ever know the thrill of adventure as we did then. Nowadays children may boldly accept  their situation and say,'Yes, I became late, so what? I didn't do it on purpose.' They might phone for a bike or an auto to pick them up.
Maybe I'm really old fashioned after all. Because I think that even the fear of adults or of order added to our fun as we used all kinds of tricks to escape them.

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Having an idea of your partner to be-right or wrong?

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"The parents are to blame. They got her engaged while she was still studying -doing her P.G. This guy used to phone her and bully her so much that she got disturbed and committed  suicide." My colleague's cheeks  went red in anger as she recollected the agony of her friend and mourned her loss.

"Yes,yes, speaking to one's fiance before marriage doesn't work out at all." Many voices had joined in by now. " I would never speak to my hubby before marriage," another young lady contributed. "Though he's my relative,whenever he phoned me I would hand over the phone to my mother immediately after greeting him."

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It was lunch time. Perhaps hunger added to their passion. After the buzz of voices subsided, I added feebly,"But what would you say of my friend (she's severely handicapped by polio). She got a job through  the quota for the handicapped.As she was way past 30 by then, her mother was keen to see her married (her father had expired when she was a child). The broker suggested a bridegroom for her.Her mother being illiterate and relatives non-existent, the lady used to speak to her prospective bridegroom herself.As they planned for their future, he would often say, "You're a teacher, you'll speak like that. After all I'm only a driver." Being handicapped, she thought she couldn't expect much and so ought to make do with whatever she got. However she finally called it off. Today she's happily married  to a better person and has a son.





Being involved in the situation she saved herself from a threatening future.

Another man I know( who didn't have suitable relatives to do the required research) married a highly incompatible wife and after 6 miserable years, got separated, ending up as a pauper.Had he just spoken 3 sentences with her  before his marriage, he would  surely have found it out.(He found it out on the wedding stage but just after the ceremony).

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My colleagues could only look at me with a smile that meant, 'these English speaking teachers and their ways!' So what if I read or speak English? I am as Indian (Tamilian) as anybody else.I fully appreciate our sense of lifelong commitment where our people's mind is set that they're  marrying for better or worse and so they are prepared to solve any  problem in a way suitable to all. There is a mature understanding in families that marriage is a 'give and take' procedure and in most cases relatives involved in the matching process have an idea of the bride or groom's basic expectations.

That poor girl should have told her parents her problem.Surely suicide is not  the answer  and not at all necessary. And engagement is different from marriage anyway.

Beyond that of course  marriage is a gamble but then so also is life. Then why was I singled out? Did I go wrong anywhere? I wish I get someone to stand-up for me. Will you?

P.S- I get tickled to think that while trying to make sure young couples ( who do not have suitable relatives to guarantee  compatibility) should conduct some tests themselves, I was the oldest of the lot asking for a  bit of romance to boost the young couples' lives.

                                                                                                                                      

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Smuggling Praise, Pity and What-not through the Workplace

Smuggling Praise-

Many years ago, the Reader's Digest had an
 interesting article on a circus. Satya and Guru were two working elephants,who had to push the caravans from behind now and then. Suddenly Satya  seemed to be losing weight rapidly  while Guru was happily putting on weight.Even the vet couldn't find out what it was. Satya worked quietly while Guru pushed with all his might, perhaps to make up for Satya. At last Murli the mahout (elephant trainer) found out. Guru was only acting, making a big noise while Satya was working for both.

.If an elephant could use its brains to cheat, can man be far behind?



Once as I was distributing answer papers of the Quarterly Exams, I noticed that a clever girl had got an easy answer wrong." Why didn't you tell me,Lata?" I asked her."I would have taught you."

"But you didn't come to our exam hall, Miss,"the girl by her side replied. "You went to another hall the other side."

Nowadays its becoming important in child politics to find out earlier which teacher is alloted  which hall for which exam. And you should see the celebration! They even ignore calls of, "bring your books  and come, I'll show you an easy way to score marks."

Smuggling Pity-


One day as I was sitting in a standing bus, a young girl handed us leaflets of, 'we're from another state,we don't get jobs here because we don't know the local language.' As she came near me and stretched out her palm, I rose from my seat and said in her native language,
 "How long will you keep giving us this excuse? Come, my shop is nearby. I'll give you a job." She sped to the door handle using it like a pole- the way school girls do while  playing Kho-Kho  and with an amused giggle at me, jumped down. I never saw her after that. Beggary and creative beggary.
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  Others-                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      
Then there are those impressive people who sport the latest fashion  and move about in cars of the latest designs  but with  no  livelihood.They know how to hover around people like wild dogs, leaches or vultures and get gifts -  big or small.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          




But perhaps the most sophisticated are those who slip through  modern times adding to their scores, while   numerical slow-wits like me can't even remember how many zeroes in the digits are called by what name.
I only know that those are enoooooooooormous amounts.
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Have I left out any situation that you, Readers would like to fill? Please do